Tales of the Parodyverse

Post By

killer shrike
Wed Oct 05, 2005 at 02:47:20 am EDT
Subject
A Lair Legion Picnic Vignette/Crossover/Tie-In
Originally
The Intermittent Adventures of De Brown Streak #24, Now With Added Lair Picnic Ripe For Vignette Crossovers If You Want To Do Them.
In Reply To

Josh Clement
Tue Oct 04, 2005 at 06:25:03 am EDT
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“A Lair Legion Picnic Tie-In”


The scene: The barbecue pit near Al B. Harper’s cabin. The brick and iron-wrought grill is loaded down with steaks, burgers, sausages, and other artery-clogging animal proteins. A chef’s hat wearing Jay Boaz absently stabs at a wiener with a fork.

Mr. Epitome, wearing a Notre Dame jersey and a supercilious sneer: Boaz.

Hatman keeps absentmindedly piercing various meat stuffs.

Epitome: Boaz!

Hatman: Huh? Oh, what is it, Epitome?

Epitome: You need to turn those (points to a pair of porterhouse steaks sizzling in the center of the rack)

Hatman: Not yet.

Epitome, in full pedantic mode: You’re coming dangerously close to over-cooking the steaks and- (sniffs air) Did you marinate those?

Hatman: Yes. Eleven minutes in Italian dressing.

Epitome: You don’t marinate $17 a pound porterhouse steaks in salad dressing. That’s almost a crime against nature.

Hatman, picking up a spatula and flipping some burgers: They’ll be delicious. Trust me.

Epitome is about to object, but stops when Glory lopes forward with a Frisbee clenched in her jaws. Dominic accepts the toy from her and throws it towards the horizon. The Dog Dynamo happily zooms off to catch it. Then he goes back to his harangue.

Epitome: You marinate cube steak, London broil, shoulder steak: not porterhouse. The meat is tender enough and you’ve masked its flavor.

Hatman, cracking wise: And that’s a bad thing, right, Martha?

Epitome: I just want to point out that’s $17 American dollars, not Canadian.

Hatman, darkly: I know what this is really about, Clancy.

Epitome: Oh, do you?

Hatman: Yes, and I think its past time we settle-

At this point there is a flurry of gingham and denim as Jenni and Trudi Wooster rush up to the pit in their crop tops and cut offs.

Jenni and Trudi: Hi, Jay.

Jay, blinking: Oh, hello.

Trudi: We just wanted to thank you so much for inviting us to your picnic. It was very thoughtful of you.

Jay, trying desperately to give credit (or blame) where credit (or blame) was due: Actually, it was Yo who-

Jenni, finally noticing the smirking Mr. Epitome standing nearby: Well, hellooo. And you are?

Epitome: Just a friend of Sir Jay here.

Jenni, batting her eyelashes: Well, any friend of Jay’s is a –

Jay, clarifying: That’s Mr. Epitome. He’s hard to recognize now that he’s lost his maturity.

Jenni, who’s heard the Caphan rumors that Epitome is missing more than just fifteen years of his memories: Oh. So, Jay, did you bring anyone to the picnic? Or are you the lone wolf tonight?

Cue close up of Hatman’s face that fades to a slo-mo recap of his and Zdenka’s lupine trek through the wild’s of Candia.

Jenni, waving hand: Jay? Jay??

Trudi, turning attention to Dominic: So you’re the one with the dog? What’s her name? Gloria?

Epitome: Glory.

The Pooch of Power, hearing her name, bolts to her friend’s side.

Trudi, adopting condescending baby voice: Oh, whadda pretty, pretty girl you are? Yes you are. Yes you are! She is a girl, right? Just checking. I have someone who wants to meet you! (begins rummaging through her purse)

Jenni, snapping fingers at the still flashbacking Jay: Earth to Hatman. Come in, Hatman.

Trudi: Aha! (Produces a tiny, shivering, Chihuahua dog that has apparently been gnawing on Trudi’s Harlot Pink lipstick). Glory’s ears prick up in alarm). Glory, this is Groucho. Groucho, Glory.

Groucho spits up phlegmy blob of harlot pink and trembles.

Glory: I believe that dog needs medical attention.

Jenni: Jay, if you can hear me blink when I pinch your thigh.

Hatman, jumps back: What the-! That was not a pinch. And that was definitely not my thigh!

Trudi, putting Groucho down: There you go, Groucho. You and Glory go play (turns to Epitome). Wouldn’t it be wonderful if they hit it off and they have babies?

Epitome: I don’t think-

Trudi, conspiratorially: I know there is a size difference. But if Tom and Katie can make a go of it, wink wink nudge nudge.

Epitome, to his friend’s great relief, quickly grabs up the Frisbee and hurls it to the state line.

Glory: When I come back I will bring the SPCA with me (bolts off).

Trudi: Glory is a bit of a coquette, isn’t she? (Spies DBS working the bar). Ooh, Jenni, look: Josh is making chocolate martinis. We’ll be back later, boys.

Hatman, to Epitome: All that alcohol should distract them for a few minutes. So let’s get down to business, all right? You’re not angry about the steaks or the marinade: you’re mad because of what I did after you bullied Hacker 9.

Epitome, folding arms across chest: When he ambushed me when I was coming from the shower and tossed me into a locker? Yes, I haven’t quite gotten over that display of cowardice yet.

Hatman: Well, I’m sorry. But you need to get over it. What you did was wrong-

Epitome: No it wasn’t.

Hatman, ignoring Dominic’s denial: -and what I did was wrong. It’s time to be men about this and move on. We are superheroes, Mr. Epitome, whether you want to admit it or not, and superheroes are supposed to represent certain qualities. This job is not just about taking down the bad guys, but demonstrating compassion and forgiveness. We’re role models, not just to the public, but to the next generation of heroes, like Glory. So what do you say? (Offers Dominic his hand). Truce?

Epitome looks chastened for a moment. But only just: No. This won’t be settled by some sugary paean to a Higher Calling and a handshake. This will be settled when you agree to get off your high horse and try to finish what you started.

Hatman: You haven’t listened to a word I said, have you?

Epitome: I judge a man by his actions, not his words, Boaz.

Hatman: Fine (lifts steaks off grill and drops them on a plate, which he hands to Epitome). If it’s going to take me beating your brains in, or you beating my brains in, to resolve this, then I’m disappointed, but that’s what we’ll do.

Epitome, sneering: Excellent. We can wait for another day, of course: I wouldn’t want to embarrass you in front of your Fan Club.

Hatman, making a pretty good sneer himself: Let’s not wait too long. There’s only so much of your insufferableness a person can take.

The two keep up their macho posturing until Jay realizes his wieners are burning and Dominic becomes aware his steaks have grown cold. Then they go their separate ways pending the next tie-in.



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